Tonight as I eat my dinner in my flat, I wish more than ever that I knew exactly what I am going to do with the rest of my life. They say that we have all the time in the world to figure it out...But do we really? They don't tell you in the brochures for going abroad that there will be nights when you will be alone with your thoughts. They warn you about culture shock, but really there are multiple types that will await you. For me, perhaps the most significant shock was the one where I asked myself, "what am I doing here?" I am living in one of the most urban, metropolitan cities in the entire world; eating expensive food and living a completely foreign lifestyle. When I say foreign, I do not just mean in location. I am spending a currency which is not my own, and experiencing life here, as a glorified tourist. Once my work is done I will go home and London will have most likely forgotten me. However, I will not have forgotten London.
Tonight as I sit here with my friend I can't help but think about this fact. Just as her work is coming to end and she goes home tomorrow, I will do the same in a few weeks. Talking about the work we have done and are doing, I can sense the looming question: why are we all here? Doing low-level work with no pay, and grabbing at opportunities that can be transformed into useful additions to our resumes. As I walk through the doors of my internship placement every morning, I think about what the day could possibly bring my way. At the end of almost everyday I leave with the same feeling of, “my goodness today was not at all what I had expected!” What sort of keeps me going is this notion of it all adding up to something greater. Holding on to the hope that, like a long equation each one of these lived experiences, interesting, or arduous, or even inspiring, will sum up to something great. Escalating to the grand reveal, the moment I have been waiting for.
The moment in which, I Stefani Lakic will figure it all out. What I am going to do with the rest of my life will come to me like a dream or vision… Or maybe I will be too busy to even notice that I am doing it. Maybe I will be so enamored by it and then yet another thing will come along that sweeps me away!
Maybe it is this very notion that there is one thing that we will do for the rest of our lives that makes it impossible for us to figure it out. While I enjoy the work that I am doing right now, I don’t know if I would want to do it for the rest of my life. I am not sure if there is anything that I have ever done that I would say, “I can totally see myself doing that for the rest of my life!” Maybe all these lived experiences are a chance to learn that. A chance to try a little bit of everything, like working in fashion. I could never have envisioned myself right here, right now, doing this work. Yet here I am. I know I am not going to stay here for the rest of my life. But this moment is really nice for now.