I feel as if I’ve been working a lot on my own happiness lately. Which leaves me questioning if it’s actually genuine? If it is real happiness, would it be this much effort? Would I be constantly checking in with myself and asking myself the same question: are you happy right now? I have been suspicious of this additional vigilance and feel that it is worth looking into. I mean I feel at ease? I feel okay? Why isn’t that enough? Why do I feel the need to feel happy and why is it always the goal? I don’t have a fear of suffering, or pain, sadness, the like. They are all valid emotions, so why am I so focused on “happiness”. Is it because I am told that it should be the goal? I am old enough to have learned by now that I shouldn’t be buying into everything that I hear and taking on false idols. However, it’s easier to know what is preventing your car from starting, rather than waking up every morning and praying that it will start. Having the right prescription can make even the worst symptoms tolerable. Still with any medication come side effects and it comes down to what you can learn to live with. I guess at the end of the day if the most frequently asked question was: am I happy? That’s a life to be grateful for. Being able to ask existential questions versus questions regarding existence, is a blessing. A life where the answer to my self imposed question is more often “yes”, no matter the amount of certainty, is a blessed life.
May 25, 2019